Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
