why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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