New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is her dick bigger than yours?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
