Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
