I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
