So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
