Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
