Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
