the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
