life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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