In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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