I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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