You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
