Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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