My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
