I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize