Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
