No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize