Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
