I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
