Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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