You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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