im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
