This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize