What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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