I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
