dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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