How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
