I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
