dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
