i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
