So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Randomize
