I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
