Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
