i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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