I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
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