I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
