So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize