i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
