I wish I could punch you in the face.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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