Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
