My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
