69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
