Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
