Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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