We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
