i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
