I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
