sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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