he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
