I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
