Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
