The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
