Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
